Saturday, February 18, 2006

Americans are Stupid

"You're a bastard at keeping in touch"


This critique goes straight to the heart. I AM bad at keeping in touch, and the addict in me would say "it's not my fault. Everyone seems to run away from me." And the addict wouldn't be COMPLETELY wrong, either. My dear Gregory in San Francisco, Laura in LA, my Daniel in Oz...and then there's everyone back home in Texas that *I* ran away from. And the news of Richard at work leaving (who did wonders at keeping me sane this past year) would be the knife turning counter-clockwise.


However, the addict has no home here, so I call fair play and accept this just and valid criticism. London...is...my goddammotherfuckinhome yo. This is my home. I am at home here. I could live here forever as I see things developing from this point. Just in the past 6 months my six degrees of Kevin Bacon has gotten MONDO interesting. For instance my friend Rick has slept with a famous TV presenter AND a member of a now defunct boyband.

*


I was defending Jon Stewert to my friends tonight. Nobody gets him here. I explain that the sterotypes are true, and that Americans just do not do irony. I mean, we DO irony. We're a fucking ironic bunch of fuckers...but WE wouldn't notice. And because the UK and, well, all of Europe and, well...okay I'll just say the rest of the world has been making fun of America for A VERY LONG TIME...Jon Stewert just seems like a loud American pointing out shit in a VERY LOUD WAY, which, to a group of people with a pallete more attuned to the subtle textures of humour, comes across as a bit childish.


But in Jon's defense, when the Daily Show started, no one was really making fun of the establishment like that. Most of it was fluff. Now I know we had THAT'S MY BUSH and all that - but then brown people flew airplanes into some buildings and everything changed. And I say to them the reason he's loud about what he's saying is because NO ONE ELSE IS SAYING IT!!! That's right...three !!! . So instead of being a loud, obnoxious yank...he's desperatly pointing out the fact that no one else is seeing this shit for what it is.


Also, there are more commercials in America, and The Daily Show is cut REALLY badly over here. Jon says "We'll be right back" Queue peppy dub/ska music and camera pans out - we have a quick blur of picture and sound fades for a second and we dissolve back into Jon at his desk with different audience laughter...as if some witty exchange had taken place during the non-existent commercial break. It's off-puting, vile and quite frankly makes me dizzy.

*


"America stereotypes the people of France as rude, effete bastards having an undeserved air of self-importance and a culture based primarily around their cuisine. They are generally dismissed as pretentious egomaniacs, with a propensity toward an undeserved ethnocentrism."

*

Americans tend to think Europeans are cocky, abrasive and snobbish...usually queer, and communists. I find this very, very funny...because I know alot of Americans who think this way and I know they've never even been out of the country...and as always...Mexico doesn't count. Because I know these are the type of people who won't leave their trailer for a week...and going into the back yard to flush out the sceptic tank doesn't count either.


____

The next time you'd like to begrudge Europe for being, you know, a bit light in the loafers, remember this:


In this modern age, appearance is everything. Whether you like it or not, the applicant wearing a nice crisp shirt to the interview will probably get it over that fucker with a Slipknot tattoo on his neck.

Europe is older, wiser, more productive, takes care of it's people, has many cultures, speaks many languages, produces fine imbibements, appreciates sex, has taste in music, doesn't take itself too seriously because it knows the consequences of doing so, is actively moving into the twenty-first century whilst simultaneously aknowledging it's intent to be around in the twenty-second...and they have cheap flights to many sun soaked destinations.


Europe is a sexy, learned, tall dark and handsome hunk of a dreamboat well beyond it's years...

America is that smug little Mormon kid with pimples who smells like nacho cheese from the cafeteria...


Who would you rather go to bed with?

Thursday, February 02, 2006


It's not like my job is actually killing me - it's just, you know, I'm going crazy. It's half 8. At night. I get paid under £15K a year. I can see this doesn't add up - and I suck at maths.

I've discovered Augusten Burroughs. I know The Monk thinks he's self-serving...but we all love a good buffet. I keep this in mind.

Okay-back to my job. Working with computers has spoiled me. I execute complete control over Alfonso (my computer). He prints when I say (even though he hates to do this). He checks my emails. He orders my finances, as well as my vintage T-shirts. He is my personal slave. So when I must deal with a real person, I become agitated. I am short. I am a raging alcoholic on day ninety-one whose just walked into the Vibe Bar. I am bloodshot. Double-clicking is immediate. It is authoritative. It is absolute. You cannot double-click a person and this troubles me. I am vexed.

Most of my anger is directed towards The Organ Grinder's Monkey. He is viscious, and thick and he signs my payckeck. He is a child in a disgusting old fart's body. He takes no direction or suggestion. He brings back awfully stinking food into the tiny cramped working space he calls his office and allows it to envelope the room, falling behind his desk for me to wretch at later. He is the bum on the street who after you give him a sandwich he looks at you incredulously and says "it's not toasted!?"

High above the east end rooftops I see a distress signal - a beam of light dances off the clouds. It is a flask. I follow the light back to it's source...my liver

If ever there was a reason...

Friday, January 20, 2006



A Matter of Life and Death


2 days back at The Slink and we've already forgotten what it feels like to be alive. Why is it that work will suck just about every last drop of creativity and happiness from you? Perhaps everyone can relate in some respect.

The Hippie emailed me, bless her, after I sent a last stitched "Are you alive" email. Her reply:


Did I ever reply to your amazing (and long, but still amazing!) e-mail before xmas? I don't think I did. That's very bad because it was very beautiful and I didn't even let you know. I didn't even say thank you for the Christmas card you sent me which is daaaaaarn evil of me too, because I distinctly recall smiling
to myself and being filled with warmness after reading it.

Makes you feel nice, don't it?

Still no news from The Tory - and no news about a plane going down somewhere in the Asian Subcontinent, so I can only assume he's alive. We wish him all the happiness in his new antipodean homeland...he'll be back though. Watch this space.

The Monk texted us last night - he's safely in SF after departing his temporary dwellings in (further) PacNoWest. What a darling he is - texted just before getting on his flight. With some scary - almost - consequences.

Darling! I'm in the seattle airport, waiting to fly to sf. I'm out of sorts - i yelled at and almost shoved a woman who cut in line. This is not like me!
Too right. This is a boy who listens to classical music - FOR A LIVING! God help us all.

Tonight's festivities are sponsored by The Conductor. His house, again, playing host to the pangenerational party of the millennium - again - for the 30th time. It may not be love, but who gives a shit, right? Right??

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

All Moriarty and no Kathy Burke

Over the years here at Moriarty, we've been lucky enough to enjoy a certain level of health. No big shake-ups, contusions, infarctions or ailments have befallen us - so for this we give a "big-up" to our dead homies for keeping an eye out. This is just a luxury to which we've become accustomed. So hence the banshee-like scream which could be heard down the fair streets of Hackney, when a series of very unfortunate events befell us.

Okay, so they weren't all medical. Let's get that out of the way now. The Tory has now left for Oz. There was a time when his departure was looked upon with some anticipation. We whole-heartedly admit our error. We've not dealt with his leaving - just putting our heads down and plowing through, like we always do, with just about everything we do. We are a silly bunch.

But this stress has left us with a lowered
immune system resulting in a nasty sinus infection. If left unchecked it could lead to Brain Edema and Hemorrhage. I don't think so. So it's been three days away from The Slink, and it's official: we feel much better for it.

Much QT has been spent with The Conductor and that is never a bad thing.

In other news, the festival is still in the works and we've decided to re-instate the 8mm portion of the event. We are still currently looking for a home, but that's another story.

Thursday, January 12, 2006


So this is me in my silly hat with a jumper I got from a second hand store in Austin.

In five days I'll be all on my own. I'm no longer a smug married. I'm just smug.

Would I consider myself jolly? Maybe not those words.

Welcome to my fun fare. My Moriarty.